GQ scandal

Friends, fellow schoolmates, and manleaders wildly cheered as they became intoxicated with the excitement of the coronation of Senior GQ Martin Hodis. The hullabaloo spontaneously combusted into flames as the Powderpuff match smothered out the glorious coronation. But Tigers and South Pasadenans alike could not have expected what occurred in the ensuing weeks of the game.

As the ecstasy wore off, affording everyone the chance to finally focus on the reality of the situation, all anyone could utter was a hoarse cough. Photographs of the highest quality suddenly appeared all over Facebook and the Internet of the GQ King doing the unthinkable: going clubbing, and worse. Hodis was seen walking out of such hot spots as the Fair Oaks Pharmacy and Carrows with his entourage, leaving bystanders rubbing their bloodshot eyes. One eyewitness, who wishes to remain anonymous, saw Hodis in Fair Oaks Pharmacy: “Hodis was so wasted, man. He asked one of the soda jerks to ‘shoot me up.’”

In lieu of this alleged vitamin binge, Hodis has automatically relinquished his title as GQ King. However, fellow GQ nominees Michael Glazier and Ian Jones were too high with excitement to vie for the up-for-grabs crown. In fact, both GQs were seen with Hodis on numerous occasions, disqualifying both of them as well. Freshman GQ nominee Sean Park said, “Dude, if only I were a senior. I would so totally take the crown!”

With this power vacuum created by Hodis, many seniors have been left dazed and confused. Hodis turned down numerous requests to be interviewed as he had to contend with his recently acquired voracious appetite. However, he was overheard answering a question about why 1/5 of Americans can’t locate the US on a map: “Yeah, as US Americans are unable to do so, I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and the Iraq, such as, whoa, dude, we’re in America?”

(April Fool's Day!)